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Stress overload triggered a depressive relapse this month.

Also, my wisdom teeth, henceforth known as The Four Toothmen of the Jawpocalypse, are on the move again—sapping my ability to be cognizant and not in pain.

Pretty sure they had a hand in my very first minor automobile collision early last week.

But as a wise woman once said: “it gets better.”

On my journey to get to know myself, I've realized that I enjoy having a series of small goals that lead up to some sort of larger goal. That would explain why this blog is 90% checklists.

I've got a smaller checklist for the next little while that should help all these little black rain clouds blow away.

[ ] Change my hair color to one I've never tried before

[ ] Go to the zoo

[ ] Try a new hobby...thing

[ ] Find out where in my piles of crap I buried the Tryptophan supplements

[ ] Start taking the Tryptophan supplements to help my brain make the Seratonins

I would totally have way more things to say—but until the Toothmen settle down again, I'm less a person, more a lethargic, incognizant meatsack.

Harmony Rising

It has been 4 months since I retook the eHarmony 'average disposition' section. January showed a marked improvement, and the positive trend is still going strong as of May. Excellent. I am inches away from submitting it--but there are a few more obstacles in the way. Scroll to the bottom of the post to find out what--and on your way, check out the gentle upward slope of my psyche:

"Please use the scale below to rate how often during the past month you have felt the following ways."

On a scale of 1-7 where 1= rarely 4= occasionally 7= almost always

1.Happy [2][4] [6]
2.Sad [7][5] [2]
3.Anxious [7][3] [2]
4.Confident [1][5] [5]
5.Hopeful [3][5] [5]
6.Fearful about the future [7][6] [2]
7.Angry [4][4] [2]
8.Calm [1][5] [5]
9.Fortunate [1][4] [5]
10.Out of control [6][4] [2]
11.Fulfilled [2][4] [5]
12.Depressed [7][4] [2]
13.Energetic [1][4] [5]
14.Tired [7][4] [3]
15.Successful [1][4] [5]
16.Unable to cope [7][4] [2]
17.Satisfied [1][4] [4]
18.Misunderstood [3][3] [1]
19.Safe [1][4] [5]
20.Plotted against [1][1] [1]

I've decided that I will actually, really and truly finish the eHarmony sign-up process and wade into the murky depths of "semi-self-guided internet matchmaking". And I will, of course, be blogging about my thoughts and reactions here at Mouse vs World.


But more on that later--first, let's get into the obstacles I mentioned earlier.


I have a small list of things I feel I need to achieve before adding the 'eligible' prefix to my bachelorette status. 


1.[ ]get a better cellphone provider
2.[ ]get driver's lisence
3.[ ]create a more comfortable and organized living space
4.[ ]re-establish a solid connection with my hobbies


Right now, my cellphone only works when I happen to be in town--which creates a certain sense of disconnection--though it is admittedly a small thing, and will be the first off the list, I'm sure.


The driver's license is more important, because it symbolizes self-reliance. It would feel too much like high school, getting dropped off for a date night by my roommate.


Getting my things out of boxes and onto shelves, etc--organization is even more important. My living space really does affect my mental space. I am cluttered, and all over the place, and a large portion of me has spent the last 4 years tucked away, waiting. 


I will never be 'neat and tidy'--I will always have a tendency to lump things into piles and there will always be a junk drawer or three--but I want to be comfortable inviting someone else in, both in terms of living spaces and emotional spaces. 


Above all else, though, I want to reconnect with my hobbies. Art, and books, and music playlists--those things were a core aspect of my life once, and they still are--only I halfway abandoned them somewhere along the line. It makes me half a person, or really, three-quarters of a person now [I've been improving a lot].


I feel like I should be giving as much as I expect to get--I want to find a reliable, stable and creative person who's really starting to come into themselves. Someone who, like me, is beginning to solidify. 

Progressive Soup

At the beginning of the year, I created a list of things I would like to accomplish by the end of 2011. We're four and a half months into the year, so I thought a bit of a progression snapshot was called for.

We will use a numbered scale of 1-5, 1 being "not there yet", and 5 being "victory is mine":

[1] Get wisdom teeth pulled
[5] Feel safe driving above 20mph
[3] Drive to and from work [Drove all the way to work for the first time today!]
[1] Drive outside of town
[1] Take driver's test
[1] Gain more physical flexibility
[4] Paint my room
[1] Throw another awesome dinner party
[2] Move past the telephone anxiety thing [Karaoke experiment has reduced anxiety by 5%]
[2] Find a job that pays the bills AND leaves a little extra for the fun stuff [getting interviews]
[1] Start and finish a collage triptych
[1] Pay Rebecca back
[1] Subscribe to Pandora One
[1] Gain greater vocal range
[5] Sing at a karaoke night [Twice now! Two songs each time!]
[2] Learn to use the black keys on the piano
[1] Be less oblivious when attractive strangers ask me out
[1] Prevent spider veins from becoming scary varicose kind
[2] Learn to successfully take power naps
[-1] Spend less time on the internets
[1] Read through the Photoshop Elements textbook
[1] Acquire upper arm strength
[2.5] Get room organized for better art production
[1] Accumulate enough art for a gallery showing in 2012
[1] Learn a few things in sign language
[2.5] Eat less bad sugars
[3] Move up to withstanding 1/3 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in my tea

...I guess for being a frequent victim of the lack of enthusiasm and energy that accompanies my seasonal depression, this is decent progress.

Go me!

Walk the Line

It's almost February and I have not been able to check off one item from my list of things to do in 2011...

On the bright side, I went back to the eHarmony questionnaire I blogged about here, and tried to fill it out again:

The slashed numbers are from the first set.

"Please use the scale below to rate how often during the past month you have felt the following ways."

On a scale of 1-7 where 1= rarely 4= occasionally 7= almost always

1.Happy [2][4]...almost double the happiness in 5 months...not bad
2.Sad [7][5] -2 to sadness!
3.Anxious [7][3] The lack of panic attacks has been nice.
4.Confident [1][5] not sure if this is confidence or indifference...
5.Hopeful [3][5] things are half-way to lookin' up.
6.Fearful about the future [7][6] still not bright enough to need shades..
7.Angry [4][4] grrr. rawr. grawr. /gnawgnawgnaw
8.Calm [1][5] see also; #3
9.Fortunate [1][4] almost need two hands to count my blessings.
10.Out of control [6][4] reinin' it in here, little by little.
11.Fulfilled [2][4] slowly whittling away my creative block.
12.Depressed [7][4] Only one nervous breakdown in the last 2 months!
13.Energetic [1][4] The white noise generator is helping.
14.Tired [7][4] see above.
15.Successful [1][4]I can pay all my bills on time again!
16.Unable to cope [7][4] I still feel in-over-my-head at times.
17.Satisfied [1][4] it's probably 'cause I reinstalled the sims..
18.Misunderstood [3][3]but only because I'm still out of touch with myself...
19.Safe [1][4] the big white farm dog keeps el chupacabra at bay.
20.Plotted against [1][1] I'm not sure I'll ever be that paranoid...

I'm still refusing to submit this portion of the questionnaire until most of the 'positives' are in the 5-6 range and the negatives are likewise in the 2's and 3's. But I seem to be middling out.

Go me.

Year of the Mothra

Something changed.

Some misaligned gear shifted—click—back into place, and I found a stillness that could breath.

It's the panic attacks, they're not constant anymore.

2010, a year of varying degrees of horror, is gone and buried in the cosmic spin. I'm reaching that point where solitude is peaceful an productive. Routines are surfacing. I'm learning to drive; albeit slowly.

I've also come to terms with my own late-bloomer-ness, no longer feeling like I'm going to be left behind.

I'm not one for New Years resolutions—I feel like I should just make resolutions when they're needed and try to keep them. I make Tuesday resolutions and March 2nd resolutions, etc.

But I DO make lists of things I would like to achieve for a given month/year/period of personal evolution.

[ ] Get wisdom teeth pulled
[ ] Feel safe driving above 20mph
[ ] Drive to and from work
[ ] Drive outside of town
[ ] Take driver's test
[ ] Gain more physical flexibility
[ ] Paint my room
[ ] Throw another awesome dinner party
[ ] Move past the telephone anxiety thing
[ ] Find a job that pays the bills AND leaves a little extra for the fun stuff
[ ] Start and finish a collage triptych
[ ] Pay Rebecca back
[ ] Subscribe to Pandora One
[ ] Gain greater vocal range
[ ] Sing at a karaoke night
[ ] Learn to use the black keys on the piano
[ ] Be less oblivious when attractive strangers ask me out
[ ] Prevent spider veins from becoming scary varicose kind
[ ] Learn to successfully take power naps
[ ] Spend less time on the internets
[ ] Read through the Photoshop Elements textbook
[ ] Acquire upper arm strength
[ ] Get room organized for better art production
[ ] Accumulate enough art for a gallery showing in 2012
[ ] Learn a few things in sign language
[ ] Eat less bad sugars
[ ] Move up to withstanding 1/3 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in my tea

2010, was year of the Tiger [ok, technically it's still going on...]--so it's no wonder I felt tossed around like a cat toy. But 2011 is the year of the rabbit, a quiet year of peace and pursuit of leisure. As the rabbit is also a symbol of fertility, I'm hoping to find my head full of squirming artistic larvae [preferably of a purely symbolic nature].

2011 will be a year of art and accomplishment, a stabilizing year--I will hang back, lick my wounds, make improvements. I guess that makes 2011 the year of the cocoon for me. in 2012, I will emerge, a giant lepidopteran with laser beams, ready to take down any giant mutant lizards that get in my way.

Trypping

I was getting really low there, for a while. Like, really low. And kind of angry. I attributed this to rejoining the prestigious field of fast food services. Spending all day surrounded by the energy of hungry-grumpy customers and rushed, haggard managers probably does a number on the subconscious.

...then I accidentally self-medicated with milk.

Like from a cow.

Moo.

I was just doing the warm milk thing to make myself sleepy, but it turns out tryptophan does more than induce cozy, sleepy feelings. It is also a key ingredient in seratonin production.

Now tryptophan, while essential for producing sleep and mood regulating chemicals, is inhibited by a whole bunch of other amino acids—so the best way ensure you get a good amount of the stuff is to either isolate a single tryptophan-rich food and eat it on an empty stomach [or similarly take a suppliment].

So the byproduct of my drinking warm milk before bed, well after dinner, was a slightly increased production of seratonin.

I'm not suddenly up for joining glee club or anything, but it sure took the edge off.

Small Voctories

Been “dating” this guy...I put 'dating' in quotation marks because I dislike all the weird stigmas and dogmas that ride in on the coattails of labels like that.

Anyway, we had one of those 'boundary defining' conversations that are quite necessary when both parties tend to put labels in quotation marks...and it was a most peculiar experience.

Knowing that this particular conversation was inevitable, I already had a statement prepared, neatly folded into the back of my brain, ready to go when the moment came. But I never got to say much—or, more accurately, I didn't have to. It's unusual to hear your own thoughts tumbling out of someone else's mouth almost verbatim, but there they were, practically plagiarized from my very own brainfiles.

The only notable difference was that he likes his alone-time because he has an established set of solitary routines, and I need alone-time because I seem to have forgotten what I enjoy doing alone.

My skill-based hobbies are...diminished and rusty. I enjoy them less now because it is apparent I have come to suck at them. I still do them, but it is exercise; a thing I do for my own good. Eventually I will relish the burn, but until then—like a big, fat guy really determined to fit into those size 32 pants again, I can only huff and puff and sweat and cry into the treadmill of my old hobbies.

While I whittle the fat from down around my creative muscles, I have to settle for the small victories of self-rediscovery, and that brings me to whole point of my story.

Eating microwaved top ramen from a mug in the middle of the night is apparently something I enjoy doing by myself.