Walk the Line

It's almost February and I have not been able to check off one item from my list of things to do in 2011...

On the bright side, I went back to the eHarmony questionnaire I blogged about here, and tried to fill it out again:

The slashed numbers are from the first set.

"Please use the scale below to rate how often during the past month you have felt the following ways."

On a scale of 1-7 where 1= rarely 4= occasionally 7= almost always

1.Happy [2][4]...almost double the happiness in 5 months...not bad
2.Sad [7][5] -2 to sadness!
3.Anxious [7][3] The lack of panic attacks has been nice.
4.Confident [1][5] not sure if this is confidence or indifference...
5.Hopeful [3][5] things are half-way to lookin' up.
6.Fearful about the future [7][6] still not bright enough to need shades..
7.Angry [4][4] grrr. rawr. grawr. /gnawgnawgnaw
8.Calm [1][5] see also; #3
9.Fortunate [1][4] almost need two hands to count my blessings.
10.Out of control [6][4] reinin' it in here, little by little.
11.Fulfilled [2][4] slowly whittling away my creative block.
12.Depressed [7][4] Only one nervous breakdown in the last 2 months!
13.Energetic [1][4] The white noise generator is helping.
14.Tired [7][4] see above.
15.Successful [1][4]I can pay all my bills on time again!
16.Unable to cope [7][4] I still feel in-over-my-head at times.
17.Satisfied [1][4] it's probably 'cause I reinstalled the sims..
18.Misunderstood [3][3]but only because I'm still out of touch with myself...
19.Safe [1][4] the big white farm dog keeps el chupacabra at bay.
20.Plotted against [1][1] I'm not sure I'll ever be that paranoid...

I'm still refusing to submit this portion of the questionnaire until most of the 'positives' are in the 5-6 range and the negatives are likewise in the 2's and 3's. But I seem to be middling out.

Go me.

Year of the Mothra

Something changed.

Some misaligned gear shifted—click—back into place, and I found a stillness that could breath.

It's the panic attacks, they're not constant anymore.

2010, a year of varying degrees of horror, is gone and buried in the cosmic spin. I'm reaching that point where solitude is peaceful an productive. Routines are surfacing. I'm learning to drive; albeit slowly.

I've also come to terms with my own late-bloomer-ness, no longer feeling like I'm going to be left behind.

I'm not one for New Years resolutions—I feel like I should just make resolutions when they're needed and try to keep them. I make Tuesday resolutions and March 2nd resolutions, etc.

But I DO make lists of things I would like to achieve for a given month/year/period of personal evolution.

[ ] Get wisdom teeth pulled
[ ] Feel safe driving above 20mph
[ ] Drive to and from work
[ ] Drive outside of town
[ ] Take driver's test
[ ] Gain more physical flexibility
[ ] Paint my room
[ ] Throw another awesome dinner party
[ ] Move past the telephone anxiety thing
[ ] Find a job that pays the bills AND leaves a little extra for the fun stuff
[ ] Start and finish a collage triptych
[ ] Pay Rebecca back
[ ] Subscribe to Pandora One
[ ] Gain greater vocal range
[ ] Sing at a karaoke night
[ ] Learn to use the black keys on the piano
[ ] Be less oblivious when attractive strangers ask me out
[ ] Prevent spider veins from becoming scary varicose kind
[ ] Learn to successfully take power naps
[ ] Spend less time on the internets
[ ] Read through the Photoshop Elements textbook
[ ] Acquire upper arm strength
[ ] Get room organized for better art production
[ ] Accumulate enough art for a gallery showing in 2012
[ ] Learn a few things in sign language
[ ] Eat less bad sugars
[ ] Move up to withstanding 1/3 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in my tea

2010, was year of the Tiger [ok, technically it's still going on...]--so it's no wonder I felt tossed around like a cat toy. But 2011 is the year of the rabbit, a quiet year of peace and pursuit of leisure. As the rabbit is also a symbol of fertility, I'm hoping to find my head full of squirming artistic larvae [preferably of a purely symbolic nature].

2011 will be a year of art and accomplishment, a stabilizing year--I will hang back, lick my wounds, make improvements. I guess that makes 2011 the year of the cocoon for me. in 2012, I will emerge, a giant lepidopteran with laser beams, ready to take down any giant mutant lizards that get in my way.