Progressive Soup

At the beginning of the year, I created a list of things I would like to accomplish by the end of 2011. We're four and a half months into the year, so I thought a bit of a progression snapshot was called for.

We will use a numbered scale of 1-5, 1 being "not there yet", and 5 being "victory is mine":

[1] Get wisdom teeth pulled
[5] Feel safe driving above 20mph
[3] Drive to and from work [Drove all the way to work for the first time today!]
[1] Drive outside of town
[1] Take driver's test
[1] Gain more physical flexibility
[4] Paint my room
[1] Throw another awesome dinner party
[2] Move past the telephone anxiety thing [Karaoke experiment has reduced anxiety by 5%]
[2] Find a job that pays the bills AND leaves a little extra for the fun stuff [getting interviews]
[1] Start and finish a collage triptych
[1] Pay Rebecca back
[1] Subscribe to Pandora One
[1] Gain greater vocal range
[5] Sing at a karaoke night [Twice now! Two songs each time!]
[2] Learn to use the black keys on the piano
[1] Be less oblivious when attractive strangers ask me out
[1] Prevent spider veins from becoming scary varicose kind
[2] Learn to successfully take power naps
[-1] Spend less time on the internets
[1] Read through the Photoshop Elements textbook
[1] Acquire upper arm strength
[2.5] Get room organized for better art production
[1] Accumulate enough art for a gallery showing in 2012
[1] Learn a few things in sign language
[2.5] Eat less bad sugars
[3] Move up to withstanding 1/3 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in my tea

...I guess for being a frequent victim of the lack of enthusiasm and energy that accompanies my seasonal depression, this is decent progress.

Go me!

Walk the Line

It's almost February and I have not been able to check off one item from my list of things to do in 2011...

On the bright side, I went back to the eHarmony questionnaire I blogged about here, and tried to fill it out again:

The slashed numbers are from the first set.

"Please use the scale below to rate how often during the past month you have felt the following ways."

On a scale of 1-7 where 1= rarely 4= occasionally 7= almost always

1.Happy [2][4]...almost double the happiness in 5 months...not bad
2.Sad [7][5] -2 to sadness!
3.Anxious [7][3] The lack of panic attacks has been nice.
4.Confident [1][5] not sure if this is confidence or indifference...
5.Hopeful [3][5] things are half-way to lookin' up.
6.Fearful about the future [7][6] still not bright enough to need shades..
7.Angry [4][4] grrr. rawr. grawr. /gnawgnawgnaw
8.Calm [1][5] see also; #3
9.Fortunate [1][4] almost need two hands to count my blessings.
10.Out of control [6][4] reinin' it in here, little by little.
11.Fulfilled [2][4] slowly whittling away my creative block.
12.Depressed [7][4] Only one nervous breakdown in the last 2 months!
13.Energetic [1][4] The white noise generator is helping.
14.Tired [7][4] see above.
15.Successful [1][4]I can pay all my bills on time again!
16.Unable to cope [7][4] I still feel in-over-my-head at times.
17.Satisfied [1][4] it's probably 'cause I reinstalled the sims..
18.Misunderstood [3][3]but only because I'm still out of touch with myself...
19.Safe [1][4] the big white farm dog keeps el chupacabra at bay.
20.Plotted against [1][1] I'm not sure I'll ever be that paranoid...

I'm still refusing to submit this portion of the questionnaire until most of the 'positives' are in the 5-6 range and the negatives are likewise in the 2's and 3's. But I seem to be middling out.

Go me.

Year of the Mothra

Something changed.

Some misaligned gear shifted—click—back into place, and I found a stillness that could breath.

It's the panic attacks, they're not constant anymore.

2010, a year of varying degrees of horror, is gone and buried in the cosmic spin. I'm reaching that point where solitude is peaceful an productive. Routines are surfacing. I'm learning to drive; albeit slowly.

I've also come to terms with my own late-bloomer-ness, no longer feeling like I'm going to be left behind.

I'm not one for New Years resolutions—I feel like I should just make resolutions when they're needed and try to keep them. I make Tuesday resolutions and March 2nd resolutions, etc.

But I DO make lists of things I would like to achieve for a given month/year/period of personal evolution.

[ ] Get wisdom teeth pulled
[ ] Feel safe driving above 20mph
[ ] Drive to and from work
[ ] Drive outside of town
[ ] Take driver's test
[ ] Gain more physical flexibility
[ ] Paint my room
[ ] Throw another awesome dinner party
[ ] Move past the telephone anxiety thing
[ ] Find a job that pays the bills AND leaves a little extra for the fun stuff
[ ] Start and finish a collage triptych
[ ] Pay Rebecca back
[ ] Subscribe to Pandora One
[ ] Gain greater vocal range
[ ] Sing at a karaoke night
[ ] Learn to use the black keys on the piano
[ ] Be less oblivious when attractive strangers ask me out
[ ] Prevent spider veins from becoming scary varicose kind
[ ] Learn to successfully take power naps
[ ] Spend less time on the internets
[ ] Read through the Photoshop Elements textbook
[ ] Acquire upper arm strength
[ ] Get room organized for better art production
[ ] Accumulate enough art for a gallery showing in 2012
[ ] Learn a few things in sign language
[ ] Eat less bad sugars
[ ] Move up to withstanding 1/3 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in my tea

2010, was year of the Tiger [ok, technically it's still going on...]--so it's no wonder I felt tossed around like a cat toy. But 2011 is the year of the rabbit, a quiet year of peace and pursuit of leisure. As the rabbit is also a symbol of fertility, I'm hoping to find my head full of squirming artistic larvae [preferably of a purely symbolic nature].

2011 will be a year of art and accomplishment, a stabilizing year--I will hang back, lick my wounds, make improvements. I guess that makes 2011 the year of the cocoon for me. in 2012, I will emerge, a giant lepidopteran with laser beams, ready to take down any giant mutant lizards that get in my way.

Trypping

I was getting really low there, for a while. Like, really low. And kind of angry. I attributed this to rejoining the prestigious field of fast food services. Spending all day surrounded by the energy of hungry-grumpy customers and rushed, haggard managers probably does a number on the subconscious.

...then I accidentally self-medicated with milk.

Like from a cow.

Moo.

I was just doing the warm milk thing to make myself sleepy, but it turns out tryptophan does more than induce cozy, sleepy feelings. It is also a key ingredient in seratonin production.

Now tryptophan, while essential for producing sleep and mood regulating chemicals, is inhibited by a whole bunch of other amino acids—so the best way ensure you get a good amount of the stuff is to either isolate a single tryptophan-rich food and eat it on an empty stomach [or similarly take a suppliment].

So the byproduct of my drinking warm milk before bed, well after dinner, was a slightly increased production of seratonin.

I'm not suddenly up for joining glee club or anything, but it sure took the edge off.

Small Voctories

Been “dating” this guy...I put 'dating' in quotation marks because I dislike all the weird stigmas and dogmas that ride in on the coattails of labels like that.

Anyway, we had one of those 'boundary defining' conversations that are quite necessary when both parties tend to put labels in quotation marks...and it was a most peculiar experience.

Knowing that this particular conversation was inevitable, I already had a statement prepared, neatly folded into the back of my brain, ready to go when the moment came. But I never got to say much—or, more accurately, I didn't have to. It's unusual to hear your own thoughts tumbling out of someone else's mouth almost verbatim, but there they were, practically plagiarized from my very own brainfiles.

The only notable difference was that he likes his alone-time because he has an established set of solitary routines, and I need alone-time because I seem to have forgotten what I enjoy doing alone.

My skill-based hobbies are...diminished and rusty. I enjoy them less now because it is apparent I have come to suck at them. I still do them, but it is exercise; a thing I do for my own good. Eventually I will relish the burn, but until then—like a big, fat guy really determined to fit into those size 32 pants again, I can only huff and puff and sweat and cry into the treadmill of my old hobbies.

While I whittle the fat from down around my creative muscles, I have to settle for the small victories of self-rediscovery, and that brings me to whole point of my story.

Eating microwaved top ramen from a mug in the middle of the night is apparently something I enjoy doing by myself.

Firestarter

Having one of those "burn it all to the ground" days.

Don't misunderstand me, though--it's not an angry thought.

It's just that I'm thick with old growth, dead leaves and branches, vines over-stepping their bounds.

I need a wildfire to tear through it all, and wind and rain to clear out the ashes. Winter will come and flatten everything under ice, and when it thaws, new things will rise out of the blackened earth.

I threw out a 3rd of my old clothes--things between four and ten years old. Who would keep those things? It is largely because I keep promising myself that I will "use them for something". But there is no excuse, I wasn't even around for the great depression!

I think they're ugly now anyway. My taste has evolved considerably since their acquisition. My closet is full of hideous anachronisms from a point in my life where I only wanted to wear either black and red or green and brown.

Next might have to be my fabrics. My vast collection of "Ooh, only one dollar a yard? I'm sure I'll totally find a use for this".

So many tools and components I just don't remember how to use anymore, serving more as reminders of how epically useless I've become. A frustrating monument to my own personal decay.

Just need a little spark to catch in the tinder and turn it all to ash.

A Balanced Diet

...I had a good day. A normal day. The kind I see portrayed in everybody else's facebook photo albums at one time or another.

You know the kind; where everybody seems to really be in the moment--all goofy-faced and candid.

A simple dinner party with good food and a well-balanced social dynamic. We ended the night talking about our favorite books.

I felt like a real person again.

It was nice.

:)